3 Reasons your Partner’s Not Listening When you Talk about Clutter…
I'm apart of several Facebook groups that talk about decluttering. I find them really interesting because I get to see how people deal with problems firsthand you get to cheer them along - it's just a lovely atmosphere. The other day, somebody put up the most hilarious post (which they have granted me permission to share about), that really highlights what I want to talk about today.
My husband is up for sale. Free to a good or a bad home, I don't mind. He has more tools than a hardware store, and they're all over the house. I've talked to him about setting up a shed where he can store them, but he says they'll get rusty and he’ll need them out. Even the ones he's never opened from the package.
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She's at the point where all she can do is laugh. But this is a real problem that a lot of people deal with. They try to talk to their spouse or their partner about the clutter in the house and they're just not interested.
This is why today’s post is about peeling back the layers on what is going on for them - there is a reason for their refusal to engage. Here are three reasons the won’t talk about clutter, and it might not be what you think.
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Reason 1: ‘Clutter’ just isn't a problem for them.
It's a problem for you, but they just don't see it. They’re what some people call ‘clutter blind’ to the things on the countertops, the stuff jamming doors things fall out of cupboards. It doesn't bother them, because the ‘clutter’ is their prized possessions. It's their collections, the things that bring them comfort and joy. It makes them feel prepared. It makes them feel secure. So why would they want to get rid of those things?
There was a study done in 2010, where couples were swapped to see how stressed, they were by measuring their cortisol levels. They found that those people who perceived a lot of clutter in their home environment had higher stress levels throughout the day. But those who didn't were okay. So clutter really is in the eye of the beholder!
Try this: Use ‘I’ statements to say what you feel about the mess. Recognise that it is just you feeling this and avoid making general statements like “it’s so messy in here”. Then say how you'd like to deal with it.
“When I see things on the counters every day, I feel out of control. I feel stressed and guilty.”
“I'd like to talk about getting rid of some of the things we don't use anymore. That would make a big difference to my wellbeing. What do you think about that?”
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Reason 2: They process information differently to you.
It might not be that they're not interested, but maybe they just need more information and they're not at the same point in their decluttering journey as you. You might be full of excitement, thinking, “Finally I have a solution to this!”, but they're not convinced yet.
Consider the fact you may be more extroverted, and they more introverted. Introverts process things internally, which means that they work them out on the inside, by themselves - They don't need someone to bounce their ideas offline you might. They come to a final solution on their own. Sometimes when I come to my husband, with an idea. It's slightly half baked, I haven't worked out all of the ins and outs, and he freaks out because it sounds like a bad idea to him, but it's just not my final solution, I want to work it out with him. Now that we’ve realised this, we can preface what we’re saying so it lands better and have fewer fights (yay!).
Try this: Give them more information. Do you have any books on minimalism or decluttering, that they could read? Have a look at the suggestions below. A fantastic documentary is ‘Minimalism: a Documentary about the Important Things”, that's out on Netflix, Amazon Prime, and lots of other places. My husband and I both watched it I think back in 2017, and afterwards, he turned to me and said “I think I want to get rid of all our stuff”. I was overjoyed. But, he had to come to that conclusion on his own. And that's what's made all the difference to us decluttering our lives together.
Reason 3: They feel attacked
They feel like their point of view doesn't matter as much as yours, and that you're going to take something valuable away from them. When you launch into, “I can't believe you aren't listening and you're so messy!!” - it causes them to curl up in a ball. The go into full defense mode, which can take the form of a fight or a full withdrawal to the sofa with their phone.
Try This: Come to the conversation with curiosity. Here are some questions to tease out what is going on for them at that moment -
“What are you afraid of?
Often that fear is regret, like what if I needed something. What would happen if I got rid of that document or that important tool that I might need when something breaks at home, what bad things would happen? Sometimes just saying that out loud, they'll realise it's not such a terrifying prospect, that perhaps things are going to be okay without a huge surplus of resources. It also allows you to ask them -
Has that happened before.? What happened then?
When you’re clear on exactly what they are afraid of, you can reassure them by setting boundaries. For example, agree that you’ll never throw something away that belongs to them without asking first. Also, if you get rid of something and regret it a few weeks later, they have permission to buy it again. Your partner will feel safe, and they'll be more open to getting rid of things because they know that it's not you versus them - it's the both of you together.
So those are the three ways that you can talk about decluttering with your partner. It's less about getting your way more but finding a common solution, so that you can both have a happier, more productive, more comfortable life together. Hopefully with less dirty underpants on the floor…
Do you have the same argument over and over again with your partner? Let us know the sticking point in the comments and I’ll help you out. See you next week for more decluttering tips to go deeper and give you a house that’s tidy for life,
Suzy xx